The chains around my feet, the smell, the darkness, all feels unfamiliar. I am faintly awake, but this does not feel like awake. I am in hell and I know it. Fear gripples me, my heart races in my chest and sweat is trickling down my cheeks. I only know fear. Fear as if that's what I have always known and lived with. Fear keeps me alive.
Alive to do what I came here to do.

My sister was killed by a monster one year ago. It was a beautiful summer evening; she was jogging in the park with her dog, when out of nowhere a stranger grabbed her and hit her hard on the head. He took her away and hidden her in his house for thirty days, until he killed her. He had no more use for her and so he got rid of her. She had hoped all those days in the darkness that somebody would save her, but as much as everybody tried, nobody ever could.

This is how I have imagined it because all they found was her body, a body that showed all the horrible things he did to her. They never found who did this, but I did and I never told anybody, they would have tried to stop me from what I am here to do.

It took months jogging in the same park at the same time each day. We look alike and from all the books and movies, I knew that he must have a type. A type he always goes for when he chooses his victims. I sound jaded and cynical talking about my sister as a body, a victim, a type. But after all the grief, the anger, the depression, all that's left is revenge. It has become my only reason and purpose of existence and I will not stop until I stop him.

He comes in and I feel him touching me. I feel him as if I am not here, I feel him as if I am in my sister's body. I feel like she had felt when she was here. I see her in this room, breathing her last breaths. Her fear is everywhere, it has permeated the walls and everything around me, I can sense it on my own skin. And it makes me stronger, it makes me determined to fulfil my destiny.

Here I am, in the monster's lair, here by choice.

He thinks he knows how this is going to go down, but he doesn't have a clue. For once, he is the victim and he doesn't even know it. I want him to suffer, I want him to feel what it means to die. I want him to be afraid of what's coming, but I can't reveal myself yet. I cannot lose my only advantage, surprise.

I am a small girl, not extremely strong, even timid, certainly not aggressive or in any way confrontational, so to be here to do what I will do very soon, I somehow have to adopt a different persona. I have to become somebody else, somebody I am not and never will be again. They say that once you have tasted violence and rage there is no coming back. This does not worry me, I am beyond thinking what will happen once all this is finished. What comes after does not interest me. Only the here and now are important, the how and when are coming very soon and after that, I will be free.

I have no weapon, but no doubts on what to do, my hands and my thirst of revenge will be enough, I know this now. I didn't know at first how I would do it, I researched thousands of ways to kill somebody, but none of them were feasible for this. I couldn't conceal a weapon. He is a monster, but not a stupid one.

He has not done anything with me yet, he likes girls to wait for the most terrible things to happen. Anticipation of the worst is often the biggest fear of all. Once it happens and you can't stop it, you lose the fear, acceptance of your fate washes over you and gives you a certain kind of peace, a way to cope with the unimaginable. At least I hope that's how it works, I don't know, I hope for Jessie that she just shut down and that in her mind at least, she could imagine heaven.

Here I wait, day and night, for the moment to come, the moment that I have imagined for months. I need to strike at his most vulnerable, and what better time than on top of me. At the right moment I would blind him with my fingers and then tie him up and make him suffer. Maybe I will not kill him, maybe at the end I will spare him, and call the police. I hope not, I hope I will not lose my nerve.


He has become sure of my weakness and has left me unchained now. Sure and cocky that I would never try anything. I am his puppet and that's his weakness to think so, his biggest mistake.

So here he comes, ready to take me. He is touching himself and soon he will be where I want him to be. But he doesn't, he comes by himself and he goes.


Days pass by, I am losing my mind and soon I am afraid I will lose my life.

I am thinking of a sunny afternoon at the beach, us sisters running towards the sea, happy and joyful as only kids can be. Tears strikes my cheeks and I start wondering what happens now, thinking that maybe this was all a big mistake. I am losing track of the days, losing track of what I came here to do.

Doubts now fill my mind, I feel powerless, not invincible anymore, I am stupid. What am I doing here, what did I think, that I could really kill him and avenge my sister?

Fear now has the opposite effect, it leaves me paralysed, not alive, not strong, but unable to even think.
Here he comes again, but this time he takes me and there is nothing I can do. He has broken me now, completely, and I cry so much feeling like a fool.

A fool that has looked for revenge and has found death. I am now hoping somebody would come and rescue me, but I have hidden my intentions so well. I have told everybody I was going away, travelling. Nobody is looking for me, not now, not ever. I am alone, not even my sister's memory can now help me.

It's raining outside, I can hear it, but I cannot remember what rain feels like. What does it all matter now? I am here and I am never getting out alive. I will never feel annoyed at the rain, never feel pissed off with the weather, I won't have that luxury. I will be forever lost.

He comes into the room again, I don't feel his hands and body anymore, I have become immune. I go into my own world where nobody can touch me. He feels the end is near for me, he feels now tired with me and my body. It's time for fresh blood. I don't know how many days I have been here, I don't know how many days I have left, I thought I could keep up, but I have underestimated what this can do to a person. This kills any strength one could have ' I don't know who I am and what I am doing anymore.

I hear voices in the background. There is somebody in the house, I realise in my spaced out state. Somebody is here, I could scream, I could let them save me, but my voice doesn't work, my screams die in my throat, I have lost any strength I ever had. I am lying here with a chance of survival and I cannot take it. I cannot grab it. What would you do? One always thinks they would be capable of anything, just to survive. The survival instinct, or so they call it. My survival instinct has left me days and days ago. You lose that, it just goes after so long. You can't get up, you can't run, you can't scream, you don't have a chance. And so I pray, I pray for something, anything to happen. Who can save me? A neighbour? The police? Nobody was able to save my sister, why would they be able to save me? What can I do? What can I achieve in my weak state?


He comes up and talks to me. He never talks. His body does the talking. His breaths do the sound. He says he is now ready to get rid of me, he is not afraid to say it, he knows I am beaten. He knows my survival instinct has given up and I have no more hope left, no more life in me to rebel against the thought of death.

He is a calculating monster, I mustn't forget that. I still have the surprise element in me. He thinks I am half-dead. And I am. But I still want to avenge my sister. The survival instinct is indeed gone, but revenge still burns in a very distant corner of my mind and I must find it again. I have come so far, I cannot give up. I must find the motivation. It's now or never. Otherwise it would be too late, I would be dead.

He takes the chains and puts them around my neck, he doesn't know what I know. He doesn't know that after survival, comes desperation. And I gather all my strength and kick him in the balls. He laughs. He was expecting some sort of rebellion against the ultimate act of death.

Now I hear voices, now I hear noises in the house and he has stopped laughing. I hear a shot, I feel a pain in my chest. I see his blood all over me, I see no more. I hear, I feel. I know I am also dying with him on top of me. They came. The police found him. Too late for me, too late for my sister, but never too late for revenge. They shot me, through him.
How this ends up, I never would have imagined, but it feels okay. I know I gambled with my life the minute I chose to act by myself. Maybe I knew. Maybe all I wanted was to join my sister, but I couldn't have joined her without taking him down. And now I am waiting for the last breath to come. I know it's coming, but I am peaceful. I know I will see Jessie again. My sweet little sister.

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